Many parents would like to believe that their child's hatred is somehow wrong and unnatural. Nevertheless, most children feel it occasionally and are often asked gently or forcibly by their parents to squelch it. Such squelching processes cause significant trauma knots. If parents accepted childhood hatred instead of denigrating it, then it would be expressed and moved beyond without any trauma.
It is my opinion that many therapists who believe hatred to be unimportant are, consequently, believers in managing psychological problems rather than resolving them. They often believe that resolution is impossible. I disagree.
The ultimate in self-responsibility is, "Wherever I am unhappy, there is where I need to change myself." Most of us blame others.
An adult who hates his parents of today is clearly indicating skew-ness of emotional expression. For it is the kid within who hates the parents of many years ago. Therefore, any expression of such rage at the parents of today is skewed and cannot produce resolution of the earlier trauma. In the process of blaming described in preceding paragraphs, it is vital that hatred (the ultimate blaming anger) be felt and expressed by the words "I hate you, Mom/Dad for ___." So too it may be vital for trauma resolution that kid violent fantasies be felt and expressed in therapy or by oneself, not directly at the hated ones as they are today.
There is a fear that expressing this kid violence will cause violence in today's world. In fact, feeling such kid violence appropriately helps one to become less angry, less violent and much calmer as an adult. The denial of such inner kid violence is one root cause of much of society's violence. Society's increasing acceptance of anger over the past 30 years has brought us all closer to inner-child anger. Because we are closer to it, it erupts more often and in inappropriate ways at today's favorite whipping posts.
However, to return to our old societal opinion that anger is bad seems ill advised to this author. Yes, anger and hatred may briefly return when another unexplored traumatic situation is ready to be faced. But their return need only be brief, for the hatred and anger (associated with that previously unexplored traumatic situation) can also be felt and discharged permanently. Hatred and anger can be exorcised and left behind if felt and expressed as suggested in these paragraphs.
"A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to love and a time to hate"
Ecclesiastes 3:3, 3.8
© 2008 by Thayer White
Finding Your Soul in the Spirituality Maze
|Excerpt from Be Your Own Therapist: "Trauma (large or small) that we have not resolved shows up as smoking, drinking, overweight, tension, numbing, or etc."|